alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
