Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
