wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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