I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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