Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
