Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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