So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You're like the curious george of whores
So squirting runs in the family.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I enjoy the company of your penis
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
