Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
