It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
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We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
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How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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