so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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