I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i dont even know how to be here
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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