I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
