so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
