listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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