Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
