I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
