someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Randomize
