you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Holy shit dude........stairs
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
