He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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