I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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