What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
