did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
