i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
