tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
