just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
