The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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