apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
