My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
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