On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
