when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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