sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
