If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
