I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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