her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
