oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
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So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
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The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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