Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize