Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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