i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
