literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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