Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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