Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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