So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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