Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
