Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
