Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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