Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
