HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
