dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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