Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
