i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
