so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
