i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
