I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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