I only kidnapped one of them. chill
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
