It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
