the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
