I think my fart just growled at me.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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