On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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