I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
