I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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