By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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