my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
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