Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
